It's just a little crush.

When i was young, I had a serious crush (as serious as a 9 year old crush could get) on Hideaki Takizawa. I got really crazy over Japanese things like suddenly I liked listening to J-Rock and J-Pop, and I started learning Japanese language. By the age of 9, I carried a heavy determination in my heart and mind to live in Japan and see Hideaki Takizawa. In fact I still believe till now that I would cry if I ever set foot in Japan. I was so crazy of him that I even wanted to change my name to Japanese ones. I didn't listen much to Malay songs, instead my table was full of J-lyrics. Nevertheless, I got greedy and started to develop more crushes on Japanese artist like Hyde, Ken Hirai, and Matsumoto Jun.

Later on, a massive wave of Harry Potter craze came washing on gullible young hearts like mine. By the age of 13, I had a serious crush on Tom Felton. I promised to my best friend that I would cry buckets if I ever set foot on London (My geography was really lousy at that time, I thought that London means UK + Scotland. Like I said, I was 13.) I was unbelievably fanatic over Harry Potter and still am. For 4 years, my birthday gifts from my parents were Harry Potter newly published books. They would make a reservation on the book few days prior the release date and I would line up in front of MPH to get the new Harry Potter books. On the premier date of every new Harry Potter movies, my relatives and I would camped outside the main entrance of Jusco Bukit Raja to buy the movie tickets(at that time, we didn't know how to do online booking). Years later after the end of that whirlwind of one-sided romance, I had moved on to other crushes. However, I got the opportunity to travel to London. Despite what I promised, I didn't cry buckets. Not even a single tear fell down when I passed through Daniel Radcliffe's apartment along River Thames.

The point that i'm making here is, crushes are temporary. I get bored easily. When I like something or someone, I would really go dead crazy about it or him, till it reach a point where I would just stop. Whenever I listened to a song that I like, I would play it on repeat non-stop till few days later, I stopped playing that song. It would take me months or maybe years later till I get a fleeting urge of wanting to hear that song again.

I am waiting for the moment when someone would never bore or tire me. I really hope that somewhere, someone like that exists and holds my permanent interest.

Straightening the Queer.

As a prelude, this post is my honest-to-God opinion which is bona fide in every sense of the words. I would appreciate if my writings would be read with an open mind till the end of the post.

Ever since I was a little girl whom could think logically and independently, I abhorred stigmas. I was the little girl that hated pink colored things because I hate the stigmas that girls love pink stuffs. I liked green instead. When all my girlfriends idolized pink power ranger, I adored the black power ranger.  I also dislike people who live with prejudice. My first crush was Hideaki Takizawa and I watched his drama Majo No Jouken (The Witch Requirement) which told a forbidden love story between a female teacher and her student. I planted in my mind that love is open for anyone to practice. I could not fathom why anyone would bother with other people’s happiness.

That is until I got into high school and I discovered about same-sex relationships. I remembered my understanding of the word “love” has been broaden by this new discovery. Later on, I got hooked by the yaoi world and shounen-ai genres. It was not me venturing alone since I could testify for my fellow friends who got the same interest as mine. Thankfully, at that curious age I knew myself well enough and confident enough that I would not be playing for the other team. Being born as a Muslimah, I know my limits and where my religion stands on this matter. Nevertheless, I was always a rebel and believe myself to be a person who hates prejudice. I would not frown upon things that I like. At that time, I did not have any problems with saying that I am a fan of yaoi. Despite the general impressions towards me, I really am an open minded person.

I indulged myself with this till I got older and the issue of LGBT arisen. I knew this issue is unavoidable and I have to take my stand. I am just a law student who does not have any influential saying regarding this issue but I decided to clarify my standing because I cannot lie to myself. I hate prejudice. I really do. I could live normally with people scorning the gays while I read yaoi at home without any problems. However, I could not stand hearing people scorning when it was made towards people I know and love.

Unlike other normal girls, I do not have much guy friends. All my best guy friends are either soft-spoken ones, or to put it nicely, nyahs and some of them are bi or gay. I find myself comfortable being friends with these sorts because I do not know how to deal with normal guys. I could state hundreds of reasons why it is better to be friends with abnormal guy friends but I will skip it to another post.

To make things short, some of my friends personally know my abnormal guy besties and they either intentionally or un-intentionally scorned them in front of me. They would scold my friends as if they did not learn religious studies and they are stupid and do not have any feelings.  It baffled me, and pissed me off because excuse ME, you’re talking about MY friend here. Though I decided to keep it to myself because I learned that nothing good will comes out when we try to reason with prejudiced people. It made me think that would it be wrong of me to defend my gay best friends, when I know it is the right thing to do according to my religion? Are they wrong to scorn my gay best friends in front of me, while disregarding my feelings upon this matter? How do I feel about this?

Yes, it would be wrong of me to support same-sex relationship even though they are my own best friends. I do not have any problem with people being mad at same-sex relationship. The thing that mostly pisses me off is that people thought that I actually supported them. Were people so blind with their self-righteousness that they think if I associated with gays, it means that I support them or a gay myself? God knows that I had chastised my Muslims gay best friends that they will go to hell if they keep on living like that. People who really knew me would know that I am not good with buttering up words. I am a direct and straight-to-the-point person. I am the classic brutally honest type. Nevertheless, I am still friends with them because they are human. They have feelings, and they are adults who can think for themselves and I do not intend to treat them as if they are incapable of doing so.

Yes, I am a hypocrite, but I am not prejudiced. I will still punch people who scorned my gay best friends in front of me, not because I support LGBT, but because these ignorant people are saying things without thinking. Have you ever thought what would happen if your son confessed he is gay? Can you accept when other people stares at your son with disdain as if being gay is infectious? DO you honestly think that a person could change to be a better person and accept your views if you tell them hurtful words and gives him disdainful looks?

I do not support same-sex relationship, but I do not treat those who practice them as if they are dirt either. Even though I liked reading yaoi fictions, I never encouraged anyone to practice it. (Muslim only. Sorry to be dismissive, I am not racist. I just lack the capacity to care about other people problems.) Stop saying things without thinking it over. Stop acting as if you know how it feels like, when you did not even try to understand first. If you want to solve a problem, do not just simply address the problem and bitch about it, give a solution instead.

 Yes, Prophet Muhammad stated in his hadith,

“If anyone of you sees something objectionable, he should change it with his hand, but if he cannot, he should change it with his tongue, and if he cannot he should do it in his heart, that being the weakest form of faith.”

Therefore, before you change it with your tongue, why don’t you try to change it with your hands first? I have tried every methods and I honestly believe that people will not judge me if I have the weakest form of faith, as long as I have tried. I wish that, if it it possible, that people will just stop being judgmental towards others. 

Fever

Battling a fever makes you stronger in a sense that you are fighting it alone.
It shows who really cares for you and who doesn't.
The say that sakit itu pengubat dosa.
So in a way, im grateful that i have a fever.

On the other note, i would like to say,
you should be grateful if you have the financial support,
instead of bragging about it.
It just shows how poor you are in the manner department.

Some people are not born with a golden spoon.
It only takes a few minutes of consideration to appreciate what you have now.

The fallen

Love changes a person. It also changes a person's view in life. 

I saw many friends fall under it. Love had changed them.

Some for better and some for worse.      Love can make smart people do stupid things.

Love can make a kind person go bitter.

In the end, it's just a matter of where love leads you.   

By saying that, i'm not going to make love as my main priority anymore.

Because from now on, i am my own person and i lead my own life.

The Aftermath.

I think in the end, love is really just a fickle thing.

You keep on hoping and wishing and needing it, only to lose yourself along the way.

I do believe in love, but right now i feel like love is not meant for me.

Not when the love that i had hoped for as my salvation had broken me, countless of times.

I also believe that first love should be a sweet experience and unforgettable.

Me, being a romantic is currently trying to preserve the sweetness of it, and try to swallow the bitter parts.

I find it being the hardest thing to do in life. Mending a broken heart. Building up a broken trust.

Love is truly a bitch.

How do you find true love, anyway?

I fear to find myself unable to receive but only giving love.

Still, I am without any doubt is always grateful to possess the love from a loving family, and the love from true friends. A few true friends.

It's just, seeing people happily in love, i find myself jealously wondering when will i be able to feel all that.

Will i ever be a part of all that?

Some say that I am desperate. Am I? Who wouldn't want to feel happy and in love?

Aside from being a helpless romantic, i am also a realist.

I know that being in love is not the answer to happiness in life.

I know that I should grow up and maybe be a better woman till the right time finally comes.

Waiting is just such a pain in the arse.

Blind.

Sometimes i wonder why i'm standing still.

Although i know very well that i should have move forward.

My friends called me crazy for being this way.

And I agree, i questioned myself why should i let myself be treated this way,or even put myself in this situation.

It's not like i am blind.

I know it's no good.

But you know how people talk carelessly about things they do not feel.

Things they do not understand.

They speak of things that they see without trying to put themselves in that person's place.

Only then, they will know why.

Persona.

It didn't matter what they wanted to see-
Instant Crush , Daft Punk.

It's hard to put up different fronts,
and changing it everyday,
You tend to forget who you really are sometimes.