Fever

Battling a fever makes you stronger in a sense that you are fighting it alone.
It shows who really cares for you and who doesn't.
The say that sakit itu pengubat dosa.
So in a way, im grateful that i have a fever.

On the other note, i would like to say,
you should be grateful if you have the financial support,
instead of bragging about it.
It just shows how poor you are in the manner department.

Some people are not born with a golden spoon.
It only takes a few minutes of consideration to appreciate what you have now.

The fallen

Love changes a person. It also changes a person's view in life. 

I saw many friends fall under it. Love had changed them.

Some for better and some for worse.      Love can make smart people do stupid things.

Love can make a kind person go bitter.

In the end, it's just a matter of where love leads you.   

By saying that, i'm not going to make love as my main priority anymore.

Because from now on, i am my own person and i lead my own life.

The Aftermath.

I think in the end, love is really just a fickle thing.

You keep on hoping and wishing and needing it, only to lose yourself along the way.

I do believe in love, but right now i feel like love is not meant for me.

Not when the love that i had hoped for as my salvation had broken me, countless of times.

I also believe that first love should be a sweet experience and unforgettable.

Me, being a romantic is currently trying to preserve the sweetness of it, and try to swallow the bitter parts.

I find it being the hardest thing to do in life. Mending a broken heart. Building up a broken trust.

Love is truly a bitch.

How do you find true love, anyway?

I fear to find myself unable to receive but only giving love.

Still, I am without any doubt is always grateful to possess the love from a loving family, and the love from true friends. A few true friends.

It's just, seeing people happily in love, i find myself jealously wondering when will i be able to feel all that.

Will i ever be a part of all that?

Some say that I am desperate. Am I? Who wouldn't want to feel happy and in love?

Aside from being a helpless romantic, i am also a realist.

I know that being in love is not the answer to happiness in life.

I know that I should grow up and maybe be a better woman till the right time finally comes.

Waiting is just such a pain in the arse.

Blind.

Sometimes i wonder why i'm standing still.

Although i know very well that i should have move forward.

My friends called me crazy for being this way.

And I agree, i questioned myself why should i let myself be treated this way,or even put myself in this situation.

It's not like i am blind.

I know it's no good.

But you know how people talk carelessly about things they do not feel.

Things they do not understand.

They speak of things that they see without trying to put themselves in that person's place.

Only then, they will know why.

Persona.

It didn't matter what they wanted to see-
Instant Crush , Daft Punk.

It's hard to put up different fronts,
and changing it everyday,
You tend to forget who you really are sometimes.

1st week of attachment @ law firm.

Here i am, gratefully survived the 1st week of my attachment student at a law firm.

(I already did my attachment at high court last year, now it's time to do it at law firm.)

In which i think is a good plan because i get to experience both worlds; on the bench and in front of the bench.

In short, i could only summarize my 1st week of attachment as ruthless.

It is so because i have to compete with 11 other attachment students from other unis.

True to what i had in mind, doing attachment in a bigger firm means more work, and variety of cases from many fields.

(My firm particularly focused on doing criminal cases, civil cases, and conveyancing. We have 4 criminal lawyers, 2 civil lawyers, and 1 conveyancing lawyer. Also, 1 paralegal which is surprise, surprise, my senior from uni.)

However, due to the huge number of workforce, at the end of the day i would only be able to do 2 or 3 kinds of work.

Which is kind of disappointing because if i had known this would happen, i would have chosen a smaller firm.

I just could not stand sitting in my cubicle even for 10 minutes doing nothing.

I never knew that i had this kind of traits in me, but i do now.

Granted, a chambering student kindly advised me to study my final year subjects instead of doing nothing, and i did so.

Still, it doesn't chase that lingering feeling of dissatisfaction away :/

It's the feeling of imagining something great will come your way, but you could only taste a bit of that greatness because you couldn't reach it far enough.

Nevertheless, i am almost proud to say that i could now open a photocopy business due to managing perfecting the skill.

Almost.

I think another factor as to why i did not receive as much work as other practical mates is because of my position.

The cubicles in the firm are aligned in a double straight line, and divided into departments.

I was placed at the conveyancing department, and when i asked the lawyer to give me some work, she said that they do not allow students to handle their documents because conveyancing deals with a lot of original documents.

So, they could not risk the chance of misplaced original documents due to delegated works to many people.

So, i am left with basically nothing to do.

The students at criminal department had to do hujahan balas, and stuffs. The students at civil departments had the most work with drafting letters and being delivery boy.

Syukur Alhamdulillah, the staff in front of me took pity on me when i begged her for work, and i finally got to do a bit of conveyancing thingies yesterday. 

Am i too naive to think that i would be the only person to be a student in a big firm?

Yes.

But i sure as hell did not expect to be a part of 12 students in that firm.

So, i am taking every chance that i have to grab myself some work there.

Thankfully, my fellow practical mates who are already doing their practical for two months kindly tutored me about some things that i do not know.

I went around each department and asked them to teach me what they had done that day :p

Even by not having any transportation has given me some disadvantage for not being able to do field work, i am still thankful because my fellow practical mates who have cars would offer us for carpool to go to court.

I think this is a blessing in disguise because i managed to gain more new friends.

Ek Pal Ka Jeena (Full Song) - Kaho Naa...Pyaar Hai

One of my mission in life is to master this dance.

I will and I shall.

Last payperr.

Tomorrow is the most awaited day for this semester,

The day of last payperrrr.

Tak sabar nak karaoke 3 jam muahahahahahahaha.

Telah ku sediakan list lagu nak karaoke.

Just now I complained to ayah about the difficulties i always had when facing accounting terms.

Because epic ayah is epic :)

I'm immune by now of his reference to me as Mr. Hart.

I'll try to watch that movie someday.

Jung Yup - Why Did You Come Now FMV (I Hear Your Voice OST)[ENGSUB + Rom...

I am crazy for this drama.
Perfection. Funny. Sad. Thriller.
Everything is just addictive!
I find myself looking forward to Wednesday and Thursday~

eat or sleep.

Typically. After one week of Hell on earth, now there's just one paper left.

The situation right now is not that good.

Everyone around me is either crappy, sad to the core, or soulless.

For me, i'm just freaking hungry. Like constantly hungry.

I'm hungry when i am sad,

I'm hungry when i am stressed,

I'm hungry when i am bored.

It never ends. Just like my fat intake.

Either i eat, or i sleep.

I need to end my unhealthy lifestyle.

Please, exams be gone.

On another note, i met a cute guy at the cafe.

It was not a crush, though.
It was me appreciating his beauty.

The moment my eyes landed on him,
My gay-dar recognizes him instantly.

He was a very good looking lad though.

 Fair skin and all. Fairer than mine.

*sigh*

I need to get me some Chocolate Indulgence.

I Wish.

So i was wondering when i could buy my own car.
It's really frustrating to not having one when you suddenly has the urge to go out.
Like, right now, I seriously want to go to bank to deposit money, and also i am craving for something spicy.

For the past semester i have been "a scrub", hanging on the passenger's side on my best friend's ride, trying to holler at McD's drive thru ordering machine.
It's economically wise to ride with your best friend's car but i know i couldn't take it for granted much.
Sometimes i feel bad going to class everyday in her car, even if the class is not that far.

Still, i cannot do anything about it and just be grateful to them.
Nak tunggu aku beli kereta sendiri memang bertahun lamanya lagi lah.

The only bright side that i can think of my situation right now is by the time i am able to have a car, maybe the price for my dream car Ford Fiesta will be affordable.
I just hope so.

Bersabarlah sayangku.

Sad Truth.

Lost in the moment.

So this is what happens when you woke up early after subuh and didn't go back to sleep:

1) Went skipping and have a massive muscle strain on your legs coz you were too lazy to do warm ups.
2) You uhuk-unconciously-uhuk bought SK II facial treatment essence online when you know you only have RM40 in your wallet. FTW.
3) Have private Lana Del Ray's concert depan laptop and annoys your sleeping roomie till she woke up and forced to study.

Fatin, stop this random crazy shit you're doing and go back to bed, you ain't gonna study Trusts anyway.

tribute to my 3rd year final exam.

After three papers:

Then you realized the reality of the situation, or if i can be crude about it, the shit you're in:

And the moment when your friend asked how you did in the exam:

Chivalry is dead.

They say chivalry is dead. If i can find someone who will say these words to me and walk the talk, i would marry him instantly.

"If we do this, it will be the old fashioned way. And I will woo you.
There will be no 'going Dutch' and no opening your own car door.
I will do that for you, as well as hold your bags if we are in a store together.
Not because I believe you're a girl, but because that is how I'm made.

And I know enough now to understand that when you see someone and you look forward to seeing her face light up each Sunday when you meet, 
that you don't wait for things to happen.
Instead you make the leap and try to make it happen.
And maybe, if you feel like I do, we can really get to know each other,
and maybe soon I'll get to see the real you."

quoted from a fanfiction. Some of the fanfic writers should really publish their own book. Their talent is crazy awesome.

Inspiring.

Read an article by Yasmin Mogahed. The reality of the writing moved me to tears.
I wished i could write like that, put my heart down in words. Convey my feelings with ease.
Guess I should try harder, and read a lot more too.
I particularly liked her saying:

"I started to see what my problem was. I was expecting this life to be what it is not, and was never meant to be: perfect.

You just get burned. Only when we stop putting our hopes in dunya, only when we stop trying to make the dunya into what it is not—and was never meant to be (jannah)—will this life finally stop breaking our hearts.

We experience this emotional roller coaster because we can never find stability and lasting peace until our attachment and dependency is on what is stable and lasting. How can we hope to find constancy if what we hold on to is inconstant and perishing? "

The Olly Craze.

Finals has started. Alhamdulillah, the first paper is manage-able.
Going through the late night studying with Olly Murs songs.
Love his songs for quite some time, but thanks to Bella, I'm kinda stuck on him a lot more nowadays.
Especially "Dear Darlin'".
And I miss you and nothing hurts like no you.
And no one understands what we went through.
It was short. It was sweet. We tried.

Deep, kot.

Few lyrics that i like:

"Now there is nothing left that can numb me 
Do you love me or do I run 
Why don't you ask me to stay? 
Ask me to stay 
As first you make a wish and pray that things will never change 
And then we reach the point of being just good friends again"

-ask me to stay-

You're the only lifeline that I need -right place right time-

Please forgive me, if I can't forgive anymore
I guess I'm taking it personal
Life without you is better than life before
I guess I'm taking it personal

-Personal-

And I don't care if you don't break my fall
You got me dreaming of a life
That anybody else would die for

It's too late to look away, and unfeel what I feel for you
Look away, and unsee what I see in you

-Oh My Goodness-

Here it comes.

The shitload of assignments, and last minute tests. I can't even say it out loud. I would tremble at the thought of it.

This is the horror of being a law student. You would have paradise on the first two months then it will just go downhill after that/ The breaking point is during the finals.

I was insomniac for 3 months after my last semester finals.
This is pure torture.

On the bright side, I'm sooooo loving Hannibal's newest episode. Seriously, nothing is safer than being taken under a killer's wings. Lucky Abigail.

And I also wanna watch the Great Gatsby so freaking bad. I know it'll cause me emotional harm but I was attracted to this film after downloading the soundtrack. Over The Love is just wicked.

the story of us.

“You will go on and meet someone else and I’ll just be a chapter in your tale, but for me, you were, you are and you always will be, the whole story.” 

love is..

That’s all it takes: one lonely, naive man desperate to show off and a woman clever enough to make him feel special. A damsel in distress. In the end, are you really so obvious? Because this was textbook. The promise of love, the pain of loss, the joy of redemption. Then give him a puzzle and watch him dance.

Hidayah.

Yesterday, I went to Masjid UNiSZA to hear ceramah after Maghrib, with Azza.
Something that I never thought i'll be doing with her in my whole life.
Dengar macam jahat kan, tapi seriously, I never thought i'd go to Masjid UNiSZA of all places to hear CERAMAH. with her.
Mind you, the ceramah is in bahasa terengganu. mostly.
So we're just like, sitting there side by side, mulut ternganga while thinking "apa kejadah ustaz ni talking about?" and sometimes we'd stare at each other and burst into snickers.
It was hilarious, and heartwarming.

Tengah2 duduk sambil dengar ceramah tu, I thought about what i am doing right now, and I felt like crying. a bit.
Maybe because I never thought I would have the hidayah to dengar ceramah at masjid lepas maghrib, together with my best friend who is Alhamdulillah, changing to be a better muslimah.
And in my heart, I said my gratefulness to Allah many times.

Thank you Allah, for giving Azza the opportunity to own a car so that we could go to Masjid easily now.
Thank you Allah for giving us hidayah to be a better muslimah.
I know it is never too late, and that is why i am grateful to You.
Please never give up on us. Please lead us to the right way.

It has been an enlightening week for me.
I know that it is a sign for me, to change my ways.
I just never thought it would be this way, and it would take my best friends to change me.
They say it is easier to change when you have someone together with you.
Alhamdulillah.

I am happy now with them,
Thank You Allah.
For meeting me with Azza, Syud and Bella.
The friends whom I would carry in my heart forever.

Although my love has left me, but I realize that i still have much more that stays.
Nothing could replace my family, my relatives and friends.
Thank you Allah.

We by Fatin.

We used to feel connected,
Now we just feel absent,
No matter how much I call for you,
I know there will be silence,
Because there is no more "we".

Love is like this,
The more we reach for it,
The more we lose ourselves,
And when we look back,
There is no more "we",
It's just you and i.

Though silence was what i craved for,
Now it seems that I need to grow up.

Would any of this matters to you,
Would anything change?
Is this the best?
I guess no one knows,
because there's just you and i.

The middle

Moving on feels better once you had a solid reason to do so.
It's not you that keeps me hanging on to our relationship,
I didn't love you that much.
But I was in love with our memories.
I still am, and the thing with memories is that it follows you and never leaves.
And it's fine with me.
Because memories doesn't hurt me as much as u did.
I can live with that, only that.
After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

A story about Jean

First of all, this is not a story about my friend named Jean. The jean that i'm referring to is denim jeans. See, i have always borne the burden of having a hard time buying a pair of jeans since i was in my Form Two. I remember particularly the first time i went shopping for my jeans by my own was with Kak Are (my cousin), my mom and Huda. We went to One Utama for the search of my jeans, and after spending six hours there, Kak Are finally gave up and took us home. You can only imagine the hardship, right? The massive One Utama, and I couldn't find a single pair of jeans which I liked. 

Fine, i'm just choosey that way but I quite remember at that time (which till now I still could not figure out why exactly did I feel that way), I felt that I was fat. Which I wasn't. I only gained so much weight and become overweight during my Form 5 and Form 6. When I looked back to my pictures when I was in Form Two, I was unbelievably thin. I guess when you were surrounded and grew up with friends and kids that were thinner and shorter than you, you felt inferior. I remember growing up thinking why am I taller than them. My cousins were all skinny and prettier than me, and i think that my self-concious started since i wore my spectacles during standard one. I thought maybe some stupid bullies made fun of me wearing spectacles, and it somehow twisted my inferiority complex. I remembered writing my name as "Fat-thin" on my name tag when i was in standard two because i honestly thought my name was spelled that way. I could not remember exactly why and how it happened. Maybe it was due to growing up watching Kak Are starving herself to be thin. Maybe it was due to her stories that her coursemate calling her fat like a pig when I was still in my elementary school. The trauma made me thinking that i was fat when i was not. The possibilities are endless. Now, i really am fat =__= 

Anyway, back to the story. The hardship of finding a pair of jeans. Urgh. For years i have battled the problem and i finally found my saviour when i was in Form Six, in the name of Ladylike and Peace Collections. The brands provide for big sizes people like me and their jeans are cheap cheap cheap! Of course, with cheap comes the low quality. I had to buy a new pair of jeans every six months because the cloth would be torn or the color would be washed off by the washing machine. I know that jeans are not meant to be washed regularly but I lost the argument on that with my mom when she mentioned "Habis nak bawak pergi solat kotor - kotor tu elok sangatlah?". You can never win an argument with your mother because mother knows best, but i tried. Ifie once asked why didn't i buy from Levi's and all that jazz. He must have underestimated the largeness of my bum and thighs.

I went to Jusco Bukit Tinggi with my parents to buy a new pair of jeans at Ladylike. So we split to our own ways in there, my parents went to Jusco, and i went straight looking for the shop. I walked happily till the end of the otherside of the building when i realized the shop is gone. The shop has been closed down. Afterwards, i bought new pair of blouse from Cotton On and make ups from Body Shop. In short, things that i don't need at all but just to satisfy my frustrations. Another problem of mine other than the inferiority complex, a shopaholic problem. Then, i went to Alam Sentral yesterday with Abg ji, Kak Wani and my nephew, Faiq. Abg Ji, as usual went to play bowling and we went to The Store to buy my jeans because Ladylike is available there. At first, i was confident to try on size 33, but then was humiliated because it just would not damn fit my bum. After trying one size larger, i was faced with a new obstacle when the promoter said i would have to apply for membership card to get discount. If i don't, the discounted price of RM35 will be RM150. The fuck. 

Then Kak Wani persuaded me to apply for membership, in which i had spent almost half an hour. After getting a membership card, I grabbed two pairs of jeans, not from Ladylike but from Half and Braps. I tried out the jeans from Half and damnnn it was soo comfortable. So i grabbed one from Half and another from Braps, both with same sizes. Then, i encountered another obstacle, I did not have enough money. So, I humbly used Kak Wani's credit card instead. As soon as I arrived home, I immediately tried on both jeans and.. the Braps jeans would not fucking fit me at all. I complained to Kak Wani and Abg Ji, 

Abg Ji: ketat tang mana?

Me: (actually it was my bum but i couldn't say it to my brother so i said) Perut.

Abg Ji : *Snickers*

The moral of the story, if you really want something so desperately because it catches your eyes the moment you looked at it, you MUST try it out first before you grab it.

Indah khabar dari rupa.